"She Said Yes"

Wow. I just finished reading, "She Said Yes," the story of Cassie, a girl killed in the Columbine shooting nearly ten years ago. And what it talked about really spoke to me.

A lot of it had to do with the freedom to be yourself and how Cassie's life changed so much through Christ. But what hit me the most, I think, was how her family spoke of their regrets and how she didn't talk about God a lot, but after she became a Christian, she really lived the Gospel.

Talking about regrets really hit me hard. I look back to when I lost my grandpa, and there are regrets there, and I don't want to have any more. I need to live to be myself. As strange, perhaps morbid, as this sounds, I want to live each day in death. Not like, I want to die today death. But along the thought process of 'if I were to die today, would I have been a good and faithful servant for Him or would I regret how I spent my time?' I also want to do as the Bible commands and die to myself daily so that I might live for Christ. And if I were put in that situation, I would want to be ready to sacrifice it all for Jesus. But physically dying for him, though it would be hard and absolutely terrifying, isn't the hardest part, I guess. The hard part is dying daily to live for him. And I struggle with that so often, but

In the book, Cassie's mom questions whether she would have had enough courage to do what Cassie did that day and say, "Yes," to believing in God even though she knew it could end her life right there. And honestly, I question whether I would. Do I have that courage and passion for Him? Do you?

My prayers are that over time (because God does things one step at a time, not all at once), I will have enough faith and courage not only to die for him physically if the day comes, but that I will have enough faith and courage to do so in my daily life. Thinking about it, both seem like a scary undertaking, but Phillippeans says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," and I believe it. I know I'll mess up, I know I won't ever get it perfect, but I know He'll forgive me when I mess up, and I pray that he'll give me to strength to live in that mind frame and get out of my comfort zone.

I think that's all, though. Hopefully posting more later.