Mission Trip Moment #1

I'm probably going to post more of these, hence the number, but I just feel the need to tell what God did in me when I was in St. Louis three weeks ago. I'll also post other things about what God's doing- and some random stuff- in between.

Anyway, here goes:
On mission trip, I think it was Sunday night, and one of the speakers talked about pride.

I never realized a prideful person. It didn't feel like it, and I wasn't one of those people who went, "The whole world revolves around me." My pride was me saying, "I can handle it. No, really. I got it," when someone offered to help. I considered it independence, which it was, to a point. But at the same time, I was refusing help and a lot of the time I really did need it.

When he told a story of how he would refuse help, because he was trying to be independent, and he didn't want to accept help because he didn't want to have to take anything out of someone else's hands.

Finally, someone told him exactly what he told us. That it was pride. That he was too prideful, to sure of his own abilities, to accept help from others. And that's EXACTLY how it was for me.

God really spoke to my heart that night. But I have more to say, and please don't be too hard on me for this, because I really am ashamed of it.
I was praying, begging God to take my pride and wash it all away, and I could feel him telling me to get on my knees, to humble myself like I was asking him to do.

And I couldn't do it. We stood up to worship, the alter was open, and I refused to get on my knees, even in my seat, to do what he was asking, because I didn't want to try to draw attention to myself (I'm a wallflower and happy to be). So I tried to sing, to worship him, but I felt unclean, like I couldn't go in his presence knowing that I was disobeying him as I stood there. So I sat down, still praying and near tears. I tried to ease myself forward on to the floor, but my knees stopped three inches before hitting the ground. I did this several times, and then pulled myself back up in the seat. I still just couldn't do it.

So I stood back up, silently, still praying, telling him I was sorry. And my knees were shaking, almost so badly that I couldn't stand up. And I was asking myself, "What am I doing? I'm asking him to humble me, to show me what he wants with my life, and then I can't even do the one simple thing he's asking me to do, because I'm embarassed of drawing attention to myself. How can I ask him to do it and say I am willing, but refuse to listen when he tells me what to do?"

So finally, I hit the ground, my head bowed, and I begged him, telling him how sorry I was for not listening, and that I wanted to listen and that I had humbled myself and was ready to hear where he wanted me to do. And when I got back up and began worshipping, I knew that it was true and that I was going to do everything I could to stay close to him and to listen.

I still struggle, every day with this, and sometimes it's hard to find the line between the two (independence and pride). So sometimes, probably often, it gets the better of me, but when I catch it, I find myself begging God to wash it away, to keep humbling me with every step I take.

My point in this was not only to add a memory, but to hopefully allow God to speak through me and maybe reach other Christians with my testimony.

So I ask you:
^Are you telling God, "I've got it. No, really, I can manage, but thanks for offering. I'll let you know next time I need help"?
^Are you listening to what God wants you to do or letting your own plans in the way?
^Are you willing to humble yourself and do his will over your own?
That's all. Hopefully, you're thinking now.